Oh well, Citius, Altius, Fortius

Bugger! They’ve cottoned on to Dom’s idea of getting everybody infected and then harvesting the blood of the survivors for a spiffing vaccine to protect our friends. Have to change modus operandi and find some other way to kill off the old and sick and improve my cash flow. I know they’re a lot of dozey cows but ‘herd immunity’ was a daft name. Ah well, non cogito ergo sum.

Tell you what, how about we stop all testing so nobody knows who has got it or not. If people start complaining that other countries are testing more than we are then we can pretend that we can’t get the essential chemical di-hydrogen oxide which is only manufactured on the slopes of a mountain in Outer Mongolia. As Hippocrates would have said, ars longa vita brevis

If we keep the shops and bars open, panem et circenses, and pack the trains full of workers we can encourage people to move around. We could double the number of carriers and speed up the process. Let’s ask our construction company donors (anybody in Bullingdon?) if they can threaten the sack if employees don’t turn up every day. Tell Tim W that he can do something similar with his pubs. He will understand that bibere humanum est, ergo bibamus.

Dom tells me that if we slow down the distribution of protective equipment then we can decimate the health professionals and that will speed up the kill rate of the elderly and those who are a drain on our resources. I know we have been offered help from other countries but we could just say we missed that email. They can’t prove otherwise can they? As daddy says, ‘De minimis non curat praetor‘.

Dom tells me that Rees-Mogg has buggered off to his safe house. Dom’s off to somewhere quiet until all of this blows over and I’m thinking of doing the same. Would a claim that I’m suffering symptoms get me a few popularity points? So braccas meas vescimini then.

Note to self: we can pretend we are arranging to make more ventilators if we give the contract to someone who can’t make them – thanks Chris G for that spiffing wheeze and victor numquam usque