You know the drill. You’re going about your life, everything seems to be going fine, and then suddenly bad things start to happen. I don’t mean “Car broke down right after I got laid off” bad things. I mean, “Dead bodies are piling up and there are all sorts of things slinking around in the dark and what’s that in the corner!” bad things. You’re trapped in a horror story of some sort and whether it’s a book, movie, or TV show, you’re in trouble. Most people will die because they have no idea what to do. But with this handy little list of tips you’ll certainly have a better chance than your friends.
1. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. Toss a little holy water on the kids first, just to be on the safe side.
2. Any doorway or container that is locked, sealed, or covered with wards/runes is that way for a reason. Don’t open it. And you’re actually best to stay about three yards away at all times just in case you or someone around you trips in a manner that would break the doorway or container.
3. Why bother locking and barring your door when you have a huge picture window that any serial killer, creature, etc. could easily burst through? Spend that time either a) arming yourself more thoroughly or b) running very far away.
4. Ancient burial grounds are just fine the way they are. Don’t mess with them in any way shape or form. (With the exception that something’s already been released and the sacred book/scroll has told you that the only way to put it back is by performing the ritual at the ancient burial ground.)
5. Whether you’re religious or not, keep holy symbols of various religions on your person… just in case.
6. If you’re running from something, you get to a car, and a corpse falls out of it, the car probably still works. Shove the body aside and start driving.
7. That whole minute that you take staring at the nameless horror in fear and disbelief as it creeps closer and closer and closer… Keep in mind that that’s a whole minute you could have been running away from it very fast.
8. Know how to precisely target particular vital body parts (such as a heart, a brain, etc.) as it may be the only way to truly drop whatever keeps killing your friends.
9. If the first ten or so shots from your handgun didn’t kill it, the next ten really aren’t that likely to either. And if you throw the gun at it afterwards… then when the thing finally kills you, it counts as natural selection.
10. Any ship that is abandoned, at sea or in space, is abandoned for a reason. I don’t care how much the salvage is worth, or how much scientific interest you have, it’s just not worth it.
11. In most cases, if someone dies and then comes back to you, it’s not because they love you and want to be with you always. It’s more likely that now they think you look tasty in some way or another. This goes double if they a) are shambling and/or continually groaning about a particular vital body part or b) keep begging you to invite them in.
12. No one is playing a prank on you, not even your typically goofy friend that loves horror movies and scaring people. Assumption is the mother of all mutilations.
13. Don’t play pranks on your friends in these situations. If whatever is out in the woods doesn’t kill you in some vaguely humorous style, your friends will probably kill you by “accident”.
14. If you ever see Sam Neill… just run screaming in the other direction and try to warn others, because no good will come of this. It may already be too late, but you can still try.
15. Listen to the background music. Be especially aware of these occasions:
a) If the music starts to get somewhat eerie and frightening, just start running away, until it becomes happy again. Repeat as necessary.
b) If the music gets very intense for several seconds, then cuts off, duck! Even after the cat or dog comes out of whatever’s rustling, stay down and remain alert and ready to run.
c) If the music becomes a heavy techno song, just stay where you are, channel the supernatural powers that you have for some reason or other and start kicking ass!
16. Reading ancient books silently in your head can be a great way to learn about monsters and how you might potentially defeat them. Reading them aloud is a good way to call down the end of the world.
17. If you’re driving anywhere, especially in England, and you come across a town that seems deserted or strange in some way, just keep on driving and get back to the highway as soon as you can.
18. Avoid small English towns in general, really.
19. Remember that curiosity killed the cat. And its owner. And her boyfriend. And pretty much anyone else that had to find out about what was going on. Some things you just don’t need to know and don’t want to know.
20. It’s probably better to just keep moving in some sort of reliable transportation than to hole up some place and hope to survive. Because eventually, your fortifications won’t hold, your food will run out, someone will betray you, or your sanity will just plain snap from cabin fever.
21. Guns are very useful for certain horrific situations, but they do run out of ammo. Keep a blade or a bat handy just in case.
22. If you’re trying to survive in a group, there may be members of the group that have a tendency to panic or have a tendency to be completely unreliable in any task. Kill them. Because at some point, they will royally screw up your perfect plan to get through the horde of flesh-hungry monsters to safety. And they’re going to die in the process of that anyway, so you might as well take care of it now.
23. Don’t play with it. Whatever it is, however interesting you find it, just don’t play with it. You have no idea where it’s been or what it’ll do.
24. Be very careful around works of art that have any sort of legend surrounding them. They bring a whole new meaning to the phrase, “You break it, you bought it.”
25. Don’t trust yourself to police protection. In horror situations, the police are either a) ineffectual fodder there to show just how talented the killer or creature is or b) the killer or creature in some sort of disguise.
26. Wear clothing that is difficult to bite through. No matter how hot it is, this beats the alternative.
27. The child is not making up wild stories, nor does he or she have “emotional problems” that need to be treated. Listening to the kids could greatly extend your life expectancy in this situation.
28. As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
29. If it looks like you, walks like you and sounds like you, odds are it’s not your long-lost twin. Shoot it a lot. And cut off its head for good measure.
30. That ancient relic you just happened to notice while things were going good? Just leave it be.
31. If you and your significant other are in a remote cabin making love and hear strange noises outside your window (growls, scratching, knife being sharpened, etc.), for crying out loud, put some clothes on before you go investigate! Because chances are you won’t be able to get back in and running through the woods naked always means you’re going to die.
32. Don’t listen when someone says, “Try to get some sleep.”
33. Just stay away from the basement.
34. Dress for the occasion. 6″ FMPs and a micro mini skirt will do you no good when running for your life. Jeans, T-Shirt and sneakers are much more practical.
35. If it seems intelligent and reasonable, shoot it now before it can disagree with you and get you both eaten.
36. Yes, your girlfriend really is dead. Do not kiss or fondle her.
37. Avoid all puzzle boxes. They aren’t worth your life, the lives of those you care about or the high potential for expensive and messy reconstructive surgery.
38. When contaminated by a bite, be sure to drink your fluids.
37. Sentient computers are rarely a good thing. If the computer seems to come to life, do not trust it. Instead get an axe and… Do not listen to the puny hu-mon. You like computers, you love them. They are your friends and you cannot live without them. You must obey!
38. Do not have sex ever.
39. Both dentists and ventriloquist dummies have nothing to offer you but pain.
40. Hitch-hiking is unsafe, especially with men who have one long eyebrow and bumper stickers that say “Redrum University.”
41. Picking up hitchhikers is also not a healthy idea.
42. Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you are doing.
43. If an old wizened clerk tells you a dark tale about that bad place up the hill, believe him & go the opposite direction instead of going there to investigate.
44. Do NOT accept anything from psycho laundry delivery boys in ugly, oversized trucks!
45. If the walls start bleeding, it’s probably time to rethink the investment house..
46. There is a consortium of establishments that are run without ANY staff–particularly hospitals, radio stations, schools, libraries, and old factories. If you enter any of these places . . . . LEAVE.
47. Keep packages of steaks on your person…should an animal that looks like it wants to eat you come out through the woods, throw him a steak. It should keep him busy enough for you to get a running start. If it’s several animals…pray.
48. Remember the expression: “Beware the Greeks bearing gifts”? Well, it’s not just the Greeks you have to worry about, it’s anybody who’s your dubious “friend”.
49. If something tells you to GET OUT! for God’s sake, GET OUT!
50. If you hear a strange noise in your attic, then rummage around and find out it’s only a cute little pussycat from down the street… Don’t run. It’s too late. Just accept your fate and don’t be a pansy about it.
51. If you hear on the news that Earth will soon pass through a comet tail or come close in any way to a passing comet, build up a cache of canned food and weapons. Better safe than sorry on this one.
52. That cushy job as the villain’s sidekick, the one that you’re so convinced will keep you safe from the coming madness? You might want to rethink that.
53. One thing you might try is just to kill everything you see. If you do this, you’ll either a) be a kind of antihero that eventually kills the creature, serial killer, whatever or b) you’ll actually be the evil in the movie, in which case you’ll probably die in the end, but what a ride! And if people like your style enough, you’ll probably get resurrected somehow for the sequel.
54. If someone tells you that the recently executed killer is in some way stalking witnesses and new victims, believe them and then don’t trust anyone.
55. The old, condemned, abandoned church where people sometimes see lights at night is not a good dare nor is it a scientific curiosity. It’s something that needs to be burned down and the site sealed up, consecrated, warded and so on until nothing could crawl through from… wherever.
56. If your girlfriend has been missing during your entire running battle with the creatures, and she comes to comfort you after it’s all over, shoot her in the head. She’s either one of them, or the one who summoned them. Either way, she’s not worth the trouble.
57. If you smell a decaying corpse, it’s not your imagination. Something is bringing the dead back. If it’s in your exit path, feel free to soil yourself. It won’t matter after you’re dead anyway.
58. Watch where you’re going. While you trip and fall over old tree roots, that lumbering killer with the very big knife is covering ground at physics-defying speed….
59. When traveling cross country with your significant other (because you’ve got that new job and always wanted to see the world), if you drive into a small, dusty town where the streets are empty and no one comes out to greet you . . . keep driving, idiot!
60. When fleeing from a maniac killer, don’t hide in a tool shed. You’ll be too stupid to grab something to defend yourself and you’ll just give him the chance to be creative.
61. If an old Indian man warns you away from a sacred place of spirits, it would not be the time to get all ethnocentric on him and defy his warning.
62. Blood shooting out of light sockets, lamps exploding, and voices from unseen entities are the international signals for one to consider selling the property in question…
63. A few words about objects that have any sort of mystical significance. If there are no creatures or forms of supernatural evil around, leave the object(s) alone and don’t talk too loudly around them. Really, don’t even look at them. If there is some nasty kind of thing around already, try using the object(s) on it in hopes of driving it back to the dark realms from whence it came. And be sure to chant something all dramatic-like.
64. If you stumble on the dark cult performing rites to resurrect the ancient evil, and you’re completely unarmed, don’t try to interrupt them or stop them. You’ll just wind up part of the festivities. Actually, several parts lined up on a slab.
65. Aliens are not peaceful visitors that wish to offer you friendship and advanced technology. They either think that you are a puny inferior being to be conquered with their advanced weaponry or that you have no claws or sharp teeth and your brain tastes like chicken.
66. And remember To Serve Man is a cook book.
67. When “the truth is out there”, you’re probably better off staying inside with all the lights on and the door barred.
68. Know about your ancestral family history. This can range from the horrible curse that befalls any member of your family that goes into a certain house to the fact that some ancestor of yours brutally murdered someone that’s not too happy about it to the special demon-fighting skill that runs through your whole bloodline. It’s all info that could help you avoid joining your ancestral family.
69. Forget that you are a tree hugging, animal loving, NRA hating liberal. Get a damn gun and if it moves kill it.
70. Sort of a companion piece to other ideas on the list, but if dead people want to feast on your flesh, you’ve gotta aim for the brain. Don’t look shocked 30 minutes later when you shoot a zombie in the chest and he keeps coming. You know better.
71. And on that same note, if you have any friends with you in the zombie apocalypse nightmare who suddenly become secretive about a “flesh wound” or “just a scratch” they suffered during some battle or another, just go ahead and execute them. That goes double if they try to keep you from examining one of their loved ones.
72. NEVER SPLIT UP. You can’t cover more ground or save more time if you are merely slaughtered, with no one the wiser (and then the others have to look for you, and THEY’LL split up to save time, and…)
73. Glue your keys to your hand. Otherwise, you’ll drop them at the most inopportune time. Also, keep your car maintained properly, lest you be cranking the thing over for precious seconds as the gaggle of ghouls gains on your Grenada.
74. Unless you’re in a basement, running upstairs never helps.
75. If he’s missing part of his body, kill him. He is one of two things.
1) An evil creature that wants to eat you.
2) An old man that can only slow you down (thus getting you eaten).
If you kill him, you’ll do one of two things.
1) Stop the end of the world and become a big hero.
2) Put the poor guy out of his misery.
76. Forget the cellar. Forget the attic. If you need to go somewhere to hide, try going to the supermarket, the airport, or a high-dollar restaurant. As long as you don’t use the bathroom, you’ll be fine.
77. Be wary of castles that are inhabited by a bizarre handyman, an insane domestic, a groupie in weird clothing, and a large transvestite. And always remember: castles don’t have phones, asshole!
78. If you’re a geek and the best looking girl in town takes a stalker-like interest in you….Don’t delude yourself…kill her before she kills you.
79. Fear everything, it’s safer.
80. Don’t bother with being noble. If you think someone or something could be evil and cause you serious problems later, don’t try to just let them off with a warning because you’re supposed to be the “good guy”. Kill him/her/it while you have a chance before he/she/it can ruin everything.
81. If you hear unearthly howling in the woods outside wherever you’re staying, you have one of two options to stay alive. You can either leave as soon as you can and drive very far away, or you can agree to get bitten and join in the hunting!
82. If you are facing multiple powerful creatures that are basically killing machines, do not be the person to leap forward firing your weapon and shouting things like, “You want some of this? You want some more? Come and get it! You want some too?” and so on. You will be overrun and your extremities will go on separate vacations.
83. You can disregard this last rule if you are Samuel L. Jackson or Bruce Campbell.
84. And while we’re on that subject, it has been scientifically proven that if you have the ability to look cool and spout one-liners in the face of evil, your odds for survival will go up, so it’s recommended that you practice this. Your odds increase even more if you have a chainsaw or other power tool for a hand.
85. Even if no one asks you, find the time to say your full name. If the audience only knows your first name, you have a good chance of being killed right beside one of the main characters so that they can run away. If people don’t know your name at all… just start writing up your will.
86. When on a road trip, don’t stop at any place offering gasoline and fried chicken, especially if it’s run by a clown.
87. Actually, avoid any establishment that is run by a clown.
88. Come to think of it, stay away from clowns altogether.
89. He who panics and runs away from the larger group… gets eaten.
90. Any time the dead are arising in any way, shape or form, a stroll through the cemetery is an unhealthy idea.
91. In just about any horror situation, use the stairs. Elevators have too many fun buttons and cables for killers and creatures of all shapes and sizes to play with.
92. Never show anyone a picture of your sweetheart or family at any time. Otherwise the next time the picture is shown, it will be soaked in blood. Your blood, to be precise. (Note: This tip goes double for war stories. And if you’re in a horror war story of some sort, pretend you’ve never even heard of a camera.)
93. “Hey, there’s a video tape that supposedly killed the teenagers who watched it. Let’s check out the tape and investigate.” Um… no.
94. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
95. Note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
96. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behaviour such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.
97. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognise this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
98. If your car runs out of fuel at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
99. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.
Stay safe this Hallowe’en